Ten Things You Should Never Do
by taintedtwistedtraumatized
Summary: James and Lily's wedding just made Sirius more miserable than he already is. So he decides to make mayhem! Here's ten things Sirius did that no one else should ever do! Fluffy, a little funny, COMPLETE!
1. Phase One

**Disclaimer**: I don't own James Potter. I don't own James Potter. I don't own James Potter. I don't own James Potter. : I don't own James Potter. I don't own James Potter. I don't own James Potter. I don't own James Potter. If I keep telling myself this maybe the Almighty will fall on my trap of reverse psychology!

**Author's Notes**: I've had this fic on my arsenal for over a year now and I've been itching to post it here.. Anyway, I would like to ask for some reviews. Oh, it doesn't matter if you read it or not, just review! Okay, I was just kidding there.. Really, I was!

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**10 things you should NEVER do...**

**Phase One**

**Keep in mind: these are no-no's!**

James gazed down on his sweaty palms, then to Sirius; then back to his palms. The four former terrorists of Hogwarts were in a cabin of a ship Lily's parents wanted for the wedding, which was two hours away. The Jubilee was filled with witches and wizards, a giant, and four Muggles (Mr. and Mrs. Evans along with a reluctant Petunia and her husband Vernon). It was sailing across the Atlantic coast, headed to Madrid, Spain. James and Lily were to spend their honeymoon there.

James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were all dressed, wearing their tuxedos, looking very striking indeed. However, James' mind was on other things. He was reminiscing. In which, he remembers all those times Lily dumped him. What if it happens now? What if Lily suddenly jumps overboard, saying that she'd rather be married to the Giant Squid underwater than tie the knot with 'the arrogant toerag James Potter'?

**1. Propose to a jumpy groom**

"Why don't you just marry me, dearest?" asked Sirius mockingly, interrupting James' train of miserable thoughts. "That way you won't be so nervous."

Peter looked at him as though seeing him in a new light. Remus sighed heavily, seeing Peter's reaction. How could anyone be _that_ thick?

James looked sharply at him. "Sirius, I know how much we've been through and all, but I'm not interested in having you to live with for the rest of my life -"

"Bloody hell, you didn't think I meant it -?"

"- and the person I _do_ want to share half of everything I have is _Lily_," James went on, ignoring Sirius like Professor Binns. "You know how I love her. You've known how I felt about her since god-knows-when; I made sure that you were the first person who knew about my love for her even though I know you have an emotional span so small that you could only feel one emotion at a time. We have a very strong connection, and you know that, don't you? But how could you want to destroy the connection Lily and I have? How -?"

Sirius shook James' shoulder to make him stop becoming Binns. "Prongs, _listen to me_," he said piercingly. "I was bloody _joking_. You still know what a joke is, don't you?"

"Erm?" James said absently.

Remus patted Sirius on the back. "Let me handle this," he told Sirius calmly, before taking a seat beside James. "You know James, we're beginning to see you're not yourself lately (Sirius snorted) and we want to know WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Sirius, Peter, and James jumped, but Remus ignored them. "Is this the way you prepare for the biggest event of your life, by not being yourself? James, you incredible prat, this is your day. This is the day Prongs becomes James."

"What -?" the three of them began, but Remus raised a hand to silence them.

"Prongs is a young man, dedicated to be the greatest terror and student Hogwarts ever had, an immature dolt accompanied by his impassive best friend Padfoot, and was head over heels with a girl who detests him: Lily Evans. James, however, is a man who did become one of the greatest students Hogwarts ever had, still accompanied by the dolt he considers his best friend ("Hey, I resent that!" said Sirius), and is in love with Lily Evans, who now returns his affection wholeheartedly and is now going to get married to her and be the man he _has to be_." Remus took a long breath. "Now is the time to show them that you _are_ James."

Sirius gaped at him. "I didn't understand a word you just said. That didn't make the least bit of sense."

"He's drunk," said Peter simply. "He drank a lot of champagne earlier. He said it tasted spellbinding."

"But I'm starting to think he's right," said James.

"What, that I'm a dolt you consider your best friend?" Sirius asked testily, folding his arms and plopping down on a chair, looking extremely put out.

"Yeah, I thought that part made a lot of sense," James told him, grinning. He thought Sirius would smile back, but his expression was quite cold.

"Listen," said Sirius in a serious tone, "I know this wedding means a lot to you, and I'm fully aware that this might change your life, but you can't blame someone who's been awfully close to you to sulk. James, _I'm going to lose you. _You're to sever ties with me so you could spend your time with Lily -"

James pulled out something from his pocket and threw it to Sirius' direction; it hit him on the forehead and bounced off, making Sirius' reflexes to ignite and catch it with his left hand. He looked at it and saw a dusty, struggling Snitch in his hand. "You still have this?" he asked James, confounded. "You never even tried to polish it, did you?"

"Yeah," said James, "and I've held on to that for a couple of years now. Keep it as a sign of my undying lo - _friendship_ with you. Padfoot, you know we can't be married" - James looked sickened at the thought - "and I can't give you a ring, too. So take the Snitch to keep in mind that I'm always there... erm... through thick-headed gorillas we knew as Crabbe and Goyle, and thin, snappy women we call Petunia."

"It's pretty weird, a priestess doing the ceremony," Peter said thoughtfully, changing the subject since he noticed Sirius looking like he was about to pull James into a huge hug.

Sirius raised his brows at him, all thoughts of hugging James forgotten. "Weren't your parents married by a priestess?"

"Erm - no, they were married in a Muggle church."

**2. Hire Bertha Jorkins' sister to do the ceremony**

"Oh. Well, what's weird is the priestess doing the ceremony is someone who was - or still probably is - smitten by the groom," said Sirius, smirking at James, who didn't find the idea funny at all. "I guess if she can't help it, she's bound to turn up in your honeymoon, too."

"She's the only priestess in the vicinity who's present," said James hopelessly. "She said the other priestesses were tied up. Funny, she seemed _too_ blissful at the thought..."

Brenda Jorkins was assigned to be James and Lily's priestess. She was the sister of the infamous Bertha Jorkins, which is now currently working for the Ministry of Magic as a gossiper. Unfortunately, Brenda was as much as a dolt Bertha was. Although, she did not share as much passion for gossip as her older sister did, she was an obsessive James Potter fan.

"Well, she's not exactly sane, is she?" remarked Peter. The others nodded in agreement.

"And wasn't she the head of the G.Q.C.L.C?" Remus added, making Sirius and Peter laugh. Only the three of them in the room knew about this Hufflepuff organization founded by Brenda herself.

James stared at them, bewildered. He didn't know whether to laugh or not. "What's G.Q.C.L.C?"

"Gryffindor Quidditch Captains' Lovers Club," explained Remus. "I believe they did make a shrine for you in our seventh year. They also did one for Davies, Higgs, and Wood. Don't worry, Lily doesn't know about it," Remus added, looking at James' bothered expression.

"But she wasn't even a Gryffindor!" said James indignantly. "And Lily didn't want to get her too, but she really was the only one around...but I haven't seen her today, though..."

Sirius then stood up from his chair. "Shall we go out? It's pretty stuffy in here."

"Erm - you guys go ahead," said James, clearly stunned by G.Q.C.L.C.

The other three Marauders stood up from their seats, bid James good luck and stop whimpering, and stepped out of the cabin. They were now in an empty corridor.

Once James was out of earshot, Remus asked Sirius in a sharp tone, "You _did _take care of it, right?"

"Of course," said Sirius pompously. "I don't want Lily to have our heads, Moony. I've taken precaution."

"What do you mean?" Peter asked them.

"Well, Lily's a bit nervous about her so she - er - requested us to replace her," explained Remus. "We think Brenda's a bit - _dodgy_. I mean remember when she tied Lily up so James couldn't ask her to the Halloween ball?"

Sirius and Peter nodded vigorously, remembering the time when Sirius found Lily tied up in the broom closet. James had no idea, of course.

**3. Miss a chance to torment Wormtail**

"Well, we did some research and found another priestess in Kent. Elise Jenner. You remember her, don't you, Wormtail?" Sirius said with a smirk. Elise Jenner was a Ravenclaw in their year that Peter went out with a couple times. They didn't make it, though. Peter just kept annoying her. "Well, she's here."

Peter looked alarmed. "But - but - what about Jorkins?" he spluttered.

"That's what I'd want to find out," Remus said, looking at Sirius. "You did _temporarily_ get rid of her, didn't you?"

"Well, if you must know," said Sirius irritably, "she's rather _tied up_ for the moment. I also knocked her out just in case."

The three of them reached the ballroom, where the wedding was to be held. There were no other people there. The champagne glasses, which Remus deliberately ignored, were all full again. On one side of the ballroom, the round tables were scattered, with glass plates and silver goblets over the red tablecloth. The high table in front of the enormous widow, showing fluffy pink clouds, had a few chairs for the royal entourage. The friends of the groom and bride would be sitting there, including their former Professor Albus Dumbledore. Behind the large curtain were two columns of pews on either side of an aisle with a red carpet. There weren't any people here either.

"It's too early," said Remus. "There's one and a half hour more before the wedding..."

"Counting my last moments, are you?" said Sirius darkly.

Remus looked at him incredulously. "What is it with you? You and James were getting along great a while ago. And so have you and Lily. You're acting like a green-eyed monster, here."

"Green-eyed monster?" repeated Peter. "You're not talking about Lily, are you?"

"No you incredible berk, the green-eyed monster is jealousy personified," said Sirius snappishly, making Peter recoil. "And what am I supposed to do Moony, sit here and be happy when I know I'm going to lose my best friend?"

Remus walked up to Sirius and picked something from Sirius' pocket. "You do know that this" - he held the Snitch an inch away from Sirius' nose - "was given to you by your best friend to show you that you are NOT going to lose him? Didn't you even listen to a word he just said or do I have to throw this again at you and repeat them?"

"Erm - that would make me feel better," Sirius told him sheepishly. Remus just threw the Snitch at Sirius, hitting him hard on the nose as Remus dashed out of the ballroom muttering something like 'dolt'.

Peter's eyes darted from Remus to Sirius, and then followed Remus out of the room. Maybe he thought it would be much safer to be with a flaming Remus than a troubled Sirius.

An hour later, a couple of people were seated in the pews, Peter included. He kept avoiding Sirius and Remus, who was drinking champagne again and was singing 'God save the Queen' at the top of his voice in the priestess' chamber, which was devoid of any priestess. Sirius was probably out in the deck.

It was dark now. All the stars were shining brightly over Sirius' head as he stared at the ocean, contemplating. _What a stupid thing to do._ He knew he was being stupid, but he really wanted some time alone with his devastating thoughts. He didn't want to give himself a false hope that James might be telling him the truth.

Lily was already in her wedding gown when she came running across the deck towards Sirius, looking at him crossly.

**4. Assign Sirius to take care of important matters**

"I thought you took care of Jorkins!" she demanded.

"I did!" snapped Sirius. "What in the name of Merlin are you talking about!"

"Well, the person you were supposed to stop from coming just apparated in front of me, and now she'll have to do the wedding since Elise disappeared!"

"But I tied her up!" argued Sirius. "And those ropes were bloody tight."

"But - but -"

Sirius racked his brain for any pathetic excuse. "Moony'll take care of it. He's drunk."

"What?"

"Well, the animal magnetism of a werewolf is incredibly strong..." Sirius laughed inwardly, feeling stupider by the minute.

Lily sighed desperately, turning on her heels. "What am I going to do? She might've seduced James on his cabin for all I know..."

Sirius found the idea quite amusing. "She can't, Lily. James is heavily armed," he pointed out.

"With what?" Lily called over her shoulder.

"With a green-eyed redhead wearing a wedding gown."

Sirius watched Lily from afar, and then gazed back into the ocean. So Lily was just as worried as he was. She shouldn't be, Sirius thought bitterly. Lily was the love of James' life, after all. He would eat a flobberworm whole than leave Lily. If only he would do the same for his best friend...

A voice from behind him interrupted his series of hyperbolic thoughts. "Is it just me, or are you being overdramatic?"

He turned around. Dorcas Meadowes, the bridesmaid, in a red silk gown, her raven hair reaching her waist, wearing an expression of mock concern. She was a good friend of the Marauders, being very stealthy and quite useful when it comes to major pranks. Sirius kissed her once, but he was drunk at the time so both of them had to pretend it never happened. "What's with you?" she asked Sirius interestedly, stuffing her wand in a silk purse.

"Nothing much," said Sirius nonchalantly, feeling a vaguely familiar sensation in his stomach.

"I heard from Wormtail that Snuffles was - ah - acting unusually concerned. You and Peter are big worryguts." She was wearing a sinister grin that usually made Sirius feel like a good guy.

"I am not worried. I'm just - anxious...," he said miserably, feeling a light, happy sensation in his stomach. "And please don't call me Snuffles." Not that he minds. He actually liked being called Snuffles - not in public at least.

"Why not? It sounds - er - _cuddly_." She didn't like cuddly, though. Dorcas never grew fond of any mushy stuff like the other girls in their year. That's what sets her apart, Sirius thought fondly.

"Cuddly?" he repeated submissively. "Why not call me Schmoo instead?"

"It doesn't sound doggy enough," Dorcas told him nonchalantly, looking at him in a concerned sort of way. "So...how do you feel?"

Sirius finally understood the light feeling. "It depends on how many butterflies you put in me," Sirius said in a wary tone. Knowing Dorcas, she must've put at least a dozen. She always did that whenever Sirius was troubled. Somehow, she knew when he needed it most.

Her steel gray eyes met his dark ones. "Just six. I try to put as little as I can nowadays," she replied, taking her eyes off Sirius and onto the black ocean. "Did it make you any feel better, Snuffles?"

Sirius smiled for the first time since he left James. "A little," he told her appreciatively. "Haven't I told you not to call me Snuffles?"

"You have, actually. You've been telling me that since seventh year."

"Then take a hint and quit it," said Sirius carelessly. "Makes it sound like I'm your boyfriend or something." _Ah, now that's a thought._

Somehow, he felt something making him light besides the butterflies. He felt incredibly light, in fact, as he looked affectionately at her affronted look.

"Fine then," she said. "Live for the rest of your life named after a -"

**5. Let the best man kiss the bridesmaid**

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A/N: Would it seem desperate if I ask for a review twice in one chapter? Oh well...


	2. Phase Two

**Disclaimer:** The author has a big fear of lawyers and she'd like to put on a decent enough disclaimer to drive them away - This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. The decent disclaimer was a product of a simple spell called the Copypaste-nomus Charm, handy if the writer is incredibly lazy.

**Author's Notes:** Thanks a lot to my reviewers, take some cookies! thatpinkrose, especially. I'm not very good at making Remus in character so I made him drunk... Anyway, I know the plot was pretty light, judging that it had come out of one wicked game of _dugtungan _and I can't plan out a decent ploteven if it came and bit me upthe backside (.)Again, thanks to every single human soul who reviewed and are planning to review.

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**10 things you should NEVER do...**

**Phase ****Two**

**Keep in mind: these are no-no's!**

"You are not to be alone with _any_ woman in this ship, do you understand?" James paced back and forth around his cabin, hiding his grinning face from Sirius, who was sitting sadly on the bed.

Sirius nodded glumly. He felt like he was back in his Hogwarts years, being scolded like that. James was probably thinking along the same lines; he looked as he was enjoying acting like McGonagall. It was a very beautiful moment for him.

"So, how'd it go?" James asked him, smirking.

"What d'you mean, how'd it go?" Sirius said incredulously, trying to find a good enough statement to make that specific topic closed. Still, he thought, how _did _it go? "I've kissed her before, haven't I?"

James heaved an exasperated sigh. "Yes, but you were incredibly drunk back then. And you don't look the least bit tipsy to me now."

"Is there a difference?" Sirius said peevishly. He looked away from James, blushing slightly.

Leering, James stopped pacing. "You know," he said slowly, "this is a very rare moment, seeing you blush."

"Shut it, you," said Sirius irritably.

oOo

_It's karma_, Sirius thought as he watched James gaze nervously at Lily, who looked back and forth between James and Brenda, though it wasn't that obvious with her veil on. Beside Sirius on the front pew was a hiccupping Remus, who tried to listen as intently as he could but all he could hear were the hiccupping noises he was making. Peter was sitting next to Remus, looking around in search of Elise Jenner. Sirius was occasionally glancing across the aisle, hoping to see Dorcas looking back at him, but her gaze was coolly fixed on Brenda, who was occasionally glaring at her in return.

Seated at the far back was Albus Dumbledore, looking different in midnight-blue robes and pointed hat, along with their former professors McGonagall and Flitwick, sitting on either side of the half-giant Hagrid, the gamekeeper of Hogwarts.

"If anyone here doesn't want these two to get hitched, say 'JAMES, MARRY BRENDA INSTEAD!'" Brenda piped up, hopefully looking at the audience. "Come on, I'm sure James wouldn't mind. You wouldn't want to have nightmares of redheaded four-eyes attacking you in your cabin, you know." She smiled sweetly at them for a while before she looked at them in an irritated sort of way and plopped open the large book in front of her and reading its contents in a bored manner. She proceeded with the ceremony grudgingly.

"Do you, James Potter, take" - she glared at Lily - "_her_ to be your wizardly wedded wife?"

"I do - OW!"

Brenda suddenly threw herself onto James, who hurtled backwards, and began sobbing at his chest, "Please reconsider! I mean, this is a Mudblood for crying out loud! Please, please, please, James, _marry me!_"

_I told you not to hire that loon._

The reactions of the spectators were varied. Sirius and Dorcas, wands out, automatically jumped off their seats and began to pull Brenda off James. Unfortunately, when they noticed they were pulling the same woman and were barely a foot apart, Sirius let go of Brenda and rushed to James' side, pretending to check if he was okay. Peter bobbed up and down from his seat, not sure if he wanted to help or just stay out of the way. Remus commented to the person to his right ("G.Q.C.L.C sounds stupid, doesn't it? I mean, it would've sounded betterif the acronym was decent. Take, for example, S.I.A.M for'Sirius is a moron' or...").Albus Dumbledore looked amused while Minerva McGonagall shook her head, muttering. James' mum sobbed even louder as Mr. Potter tried to comfort her. Lily's mum and dad looked horrified; A pregnant Petunia and her husband Vernon didn't look like they cared, though, as they passed tissues to Mrs. Potter wincingly.

**6. ****Force**** or even ask the Dursleys to come to your wedding**

_"What d'you mean you're not coming?" Lily asked Petunia heatedly._

_Petunia sipped her tea through pursed lips. "I'm just not." She looked at Lily snappishly. _

_"B-but I came to your wedding!" she argued. "I acted like a Muggle -"_

_"A what, excuse me?"_

_"A Muggle, Petunia,"__ said Lil__y__ irritably__. "It's not like I'm cursing."_

_Petunia chose not to reply. She sipped her tea again, pretending Lily wasn't there.__ It was easy, of course, since she's been doing that for years._

Please_, Petunia," Lily begged, "this is very important to me."_

_"Don't let me get in the way," said Petunia. "After all, Mum and Dad made sure that your wedding will be excellent, did they not? It was always about you, wasn't it? Perfect, pretty, can do no wrong Lily deserves the best, doesn't she? Even before you got that letter, you were always a FREAK. I don't doubt you'll meet a very, very sticky end - being around that Potter and his friends."_

_"Is that so? Then don't come, Petunia. If you do, I'll ask _Potter and his friends _to turn you to a __slug - not that it would make a difference__." Lily stood up and left.__ Of course, Mrs. Potter took over and made a Petunia and Vernon go anyway._

Dorcas pointed her wand at Brenda's chest and whispered threateningly, "If you don't do the ceremony, love, I promise I'll murder you right here."

Brenda turned pale. She tensely eyed the wand and gave Dorcas an aggressive stare before returning behind the altar in front of James and Lily. It was only after Sirius sat down that Brenda continued.

"And do _you_" - she turned to Lily - "take James Potter to be your wizardly wedded husband even though you completely devastated and humiliated him in front of -" She abruptly stopped - probably because Dorcas' wand was beginning to ignite. "Erm - well, _do you_?"

"I do," said Lily, taking her veil off, making Brenda look more irritated.

"Well, the damage is done," said Brenda dismissively, turning to James, "can't do anything now. You may snog the bride - but I wouldn't mind if you were to kiss me," she added hopefully.

James froze (not literally, worryguts). He was probably reminiscing on the "good old days" in which he was always having a row with Lily.

"OY!" Sirius yelled from the front bench. "If you aren't going to do it, I could do it for you, you know..."

Sirius' words made a huge impact. To Brenda's dismay, James immediately pulled Lily by the waist, and kissed her passionately. Loud applause broke the silence.

By the time they parted, the window behind them showed a majestic fireworks display conjured by Professor Albus Dumbledore, who was sitting at the back with a few of their former teachers, waving at the pair. He caught Sirius' eye and nodded as he stuffed his wand back to his robes. Sirius took out his own wand, and began forming words out of Dumbledore's fireworks such as "LILY _FINALLY_ MARRIED JAMES" and "HAIL THE BEST MAN".

**7. Let Sirius and Remus duel with fireworks**

Remus snorted and formed words of his own. Next to Sirius', he formed "HAIL THE IRREPRESSIBLE BEST MAN WHO PAID THE NEWLYWEDS TO INVITE HIM" in which Sirius quickly snapped back with "KICK OFF, BASTARD". Of course, James wouldn't be outdone in his own wedding; he formed words of his own and invited Peter to do the same thing.

Petunia and Vernon scowled derisively at them as they followed the crowd to the second half of the ballroom for the reception.

The reception was fantastic. As soon as the guests were seated, the glass plates were filled with food. It reminded the magical beings in the ballroom of their former school. The professors, too, looked amazed at the uncanny fact. Mr. and Mrs. Evans looked delighted while Mr. and Mrs. Dursley looked uneasy. They didn't like such nonsense. After the feast was the dance, led by the newlyweds, followed by Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall, then most of the others. The music was played by De Black Cat Club.

A soft hand patted Sirius, who was drinking firewhisky, on the back. He whirled around, and found Dorcas looking warily at him.

"Dance?" she offered, now looking expectantly at him.

Sirius didn't understand why but he didn't want to reject her offer. After an awkward pause, he nodded stiffly and they both made their way to the platform. The last song stopped, and a new, slower one was played.

Dorcas placed a hand on Sirius' shoulder; Sirius placed a hand on her waist, as his other was softly held in hers. As they danced through the slow, somber music across the room, Sirius couldn't help but avoid her eyes. There was an inept silence between the two of them until Dorcas spoke up.

"You're avoiding me," she pointed out calmly. "Is it because of -?"

"No," Sirius said quickly. "It's not - no - it's -"

"Oh don't lie to me, Sirius," she said seriously in an irritated sort of way.

Sirius was taken aback; she called him Snuffles or Padfoot all the time since seventh year when James told Lily about their Animagus transformations. This was the first time she called him Sirius in years. Yes, it does sound absurd, but compared to the fact that Dorcas had a mother who drowned herself in a two-foot pond, a father who murdered his second wife because she was having an affair with a Muggle, and a half-wit Squib for a half-brother, calling Sirius 'Snuffles' wasn't silly at all.

"It's bothering me because it was an accident and I didn't mean it," Sirius lied.

"Well one more won't hurt, right?"

**8. Allow the bridesmaid to ****snog**** the best man**** (and when I say snog, ****I mean** **kiss-in-a-long-fervent-manner-that-makes-girls-go****_-sigh_****_ I wish I did that_**

oOo

All of the people in the ship were asleep except for the four Marauders were sitting around a table on the deck under the stars, helping themselves with intoxicating drinks. Remus, being the sophisticated one, helped himself with mead, Peter with mild vodka, Sirius with a bottle of ale, and James with a bottle of firewhisky.

"Where are your - _hic_ - your in-laws go - _hic_ - going to do after - _hic_ - after we reach Ma - _hic_ - Madrid?" Remus asked James.

"Well they can't Apparate like you guys can so -"

"What d'you mean?" said Sirius disbelievingly. "You don't think we're going to leave you alone in your honeymoon, do you?"

James gaped at him. "Padfoot, that's the point of the honeymoon - to get away from annoying gits."

"Then why is Petunia going with you?"

Peter sniggered. "Yeah, why is Vernon there too?"

"They're my _in-laws_," said James sharply. "Learn to respect them."

Sirius laughed in a bark-like way. "We'll just follow from your example - like transfiguring their teacups to mice."

"Yes, you should," replied James. "And don't forget to blow up their house on the way."

Sirius said incredulously, "D'you think we're just going to let you enjoy your honeymoon while we work out our backsides for the Order?"

"That's what Dumbledore said," said James coolly. "And unless you get married tomorrow, I don't think you should come to the honeymoon."

An extremely drunk Remus put down his glass of mead. "I think I'll - _hic_ - be going to - _hic_ - to bed now," he said, trying and failing to stand up from his seat.

**9. P****ermit Wormtail to drink drinks containing alcohol**

"Why don't you stay for a while, Moony?" said Peter. "We've been here for what, thirty minutes and you're already giving up?"

"Ah, so you're the daring one now, are you?" said Sirius, taking a sip of ale. "You can't get that drunk with vodka, can you?"

Peter took a swig of vodka and looked at Sirius. He wanted to say something, but he couldn't get all the words out properly. It seemed that he did get that drunk with vodka, as his mother won't let him drink any alcoholic beverages.

"I think Wormtail here took your spot, mate," laughed James. "When the wine is in, the wit is out."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You can't be the daring one and be committed at the same time," James answered wisely.

"You don't sup - _hic_ - suppose that we didn't s - _hic_ - see your snogging - _hic_ - snogging session, don't - _hic_ - don't you?"

Sirius blushed for the second time today. "It's not illegal to kiss a friend, is it?"

Remus muttered, "It is if - _hic_ - if you try to - _hic_ - to kiss - _hic_ - James."

Sirius and James ignored that comment.

"A friend who just happens to be a girl," said Peter daringly. "Your girl - friend..." Sirius gave him a withering look which made him recoil.

James laughed. "Nothing's wrong with that, Padfoot. You've had dozens of girlfriends, but you've never settled down. You know what's wrong with you?"

Sirius raised his eyebrow and said sarcastically, "Oh, do tell."

"You never seem to find the right girl," said James. "You see a nice girl, you ask her out, you see a flaw, and then you break up with her. You did that with every single girl you've gone steady with. You know, I thought no girl would like to date you after that, but they're still running after you. Goodness, Sirius, one day you'll have a ten-thousand Galleon price on your arse, and lead the biggest manhunt in the Wizarding World."

"Fat chance," said Peter.

"Is it?" said James.

"So what you're saying is I'm too sexy to settle?" said Sirius innocently.

James snorted. "No. What I'm saying is every girl has her flaws and there's nothing you can do about it. No one's bloody perfect -"

"Lily is," said Sirius.

James threw him a sharp stare and looked at him warily. "Well, you can't have her."

"I meant she was perfect _for you_, idiot," said Sirius.

"Oh..." said James, looking relieved. "You'll find your girl, mate, don't worry."

"But I thought he already found her," said Peter.

"Maybe I did, Wormtail."

James lifted his glass. "A toast, then. To the sexy bachelor sitting beside me -"

"- For him to never see anyone's flaws again -" Peter continued.

"- and to a - _hic_ - abandon all thoughts of - _hic_ - thoughts of turning - _hic_ - turning Petunia into - _hic_ - a slug." Remus shakily raised his glass with them.

oOo

Alone in her cabin, the bridesmaid groaned, turned around, and tried to find a more comfortable spot. With all hopes of sleeping gone, she sat up, cursed, and flopped down her bed. She forced her eyes closed, determined not to think of Sirius - though I find that quite impossible.

She heard a faint click behind her. Her God-given reflexes made her dart under her pillow for her wand and point it directly at the figure standing by the door.

"Oy, don't you point that thing at me!"

It was Sirius.

She lowered her wand, but didn't let go. "What're you doing here?"

"I was trying to take a good look at your flaws..."

"My what, excuse me?"

"Well, that is if you have any," Sirius went on. "If not I guess we could get married, have a dozen kids, and maybe join James and Lily in their honeymoon... and I guess I wouldn't start the biggest manhunt the Wizarding World has ever known and have a ten-thousand galleon price on my beautiful backside... plus, I probably won't get sent to Azkaban."

She put her wand back under her pillow. "Why would you be sent to Azkaban, might I ask?"

Sirius shrugged, "For being an irresistible, sexy, young bachelor..."

"So I'm connected to you being a sexy bachelor because -?"

"Because if I don't see a flaw, I'll settle with you and be an irresistible, sexy, young, married man."

"Ah... do you see any flaws from back there?"

"Not much," said Sirius. "Except you sleep with your wand under your pillow and probably blow me up before I can even get near enough to do... stuff."

"Why don't you look at my flaws here?" she moved to the other side of the bed and made space for him. "And probably do your - ah - _stuff _while you're at it."

**10. Forget to put a ****'DO NOT DISTURB**** sign on the bridesmaid's door while she and the best man do ****_stuff._**

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Finished! Can't go into detailing - I suck at that. (",) Thanks to the co, Poo, who betaed too. snickers It rhymes! Anyway, reviews are again, so very much appreciated. 


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